I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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