After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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