Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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