I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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