Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
