I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
