9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
