sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
