I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
