I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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