i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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