dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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