either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
