Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
