guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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