So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
