I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Quick, to the slutcave!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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