Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
