walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
