apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
