If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Randomize
