Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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