My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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