I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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