peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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