so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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