Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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