but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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