Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish you could order shots online.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
