All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
