as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
