I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
