me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
