bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
