turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
