...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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