Please, let me fuck your mom
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
