Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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