my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
