weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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