meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
