Girls should come with a carfax report
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
