he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
