so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So much Jack, so little girl.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
