If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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