well I can't set my house on fire every night
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
