just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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