Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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