I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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