I can text with my tongue
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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