my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
