Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
