oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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