he shaved USA in his pubs
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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