I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
