she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
