We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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