I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
